I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
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I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
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Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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