My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
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I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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