I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
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i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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