I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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