that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
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Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
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I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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