I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize