Are you still at the party or did I leave?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
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He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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