No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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