This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
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i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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