My Higher Power is John Stamos
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize