Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
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Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
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I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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