if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
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I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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