I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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