My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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