I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
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just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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