Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
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He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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