Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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