btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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