maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize