Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
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Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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