She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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