Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
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i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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