Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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