Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
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So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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