Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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