my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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