Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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