i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
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He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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