I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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