Your face is a jimmy john
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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