my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
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I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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