4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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