if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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