So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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