I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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