Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize