There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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