I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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