I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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