it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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