then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
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the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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