I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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