Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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