You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
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you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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