I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
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I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
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Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He shit in the fireplace
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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