Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
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This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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