Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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