he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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