I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
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Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
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I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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