I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Your dad touched me again.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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